you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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