I just threw up on my dentist
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize