i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
