i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Everclear isn't food dammit
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
