you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Help. Why am I so naked?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize