Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
