he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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