Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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