Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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