420 ftw
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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