I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
