should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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