and i looked up. we had an audience...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
