hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize