I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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