the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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