He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
