May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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