His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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