I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize