Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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