i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
