1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
