I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
