Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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