So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
