Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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