apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
