Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
