Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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