One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
