You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Your penis caused this!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
