Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
