hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
worst night to have a conscience
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
