I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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