wanna go halves on a baby?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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