I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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