yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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