my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize