So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
