Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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