wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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