Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
