So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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