It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
