I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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