Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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