Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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