Someone shit on the floor
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
