Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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