i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
