In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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