Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
