The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize