Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
