talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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