she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize